


Satellites

by thisisdefinitelynotme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e18 The Memory Remains, Season/Series 12, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 10:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10694970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisdefinitelynotme/pseuds/thisisdefinitelynotme
Summary: When will I feel thisAs vivid as it truly is,Fall in love in a single touch,And fall apart when it hurts too much?Can we skip past near-death clichésWhere my heart restarts, as my life replays?All I want is to flip the switchBefore something breaks that cannot be fixed.Or, the one with some actual near-death clichés, and a realization or two.





	Satellites

**Author's Note:**

> Title/ lyrics from Sleeping at Last - Atlas: Touch. Great song, 10/10 would recommend

_When will I feel this_   
_As vivid as it truly is,_   
_Fall in love in a single touch,_   
_And fall apart when it hurts too much?_

He’s been an angel for millenia. Castiel had known great pride from glory and disappointment from loss. He watched over the Earth and commanded a garrison, at times fighting Heavenly battles. He had felt righteous anger. This was how his entire being had been spent, locked in a cycle, essentially doing and feeling all of these same things. That is, until he went to Hell to claim a tortured soul.

Hester was right: as soon as Cas touched Dean’s soul, he was _lost._ It was the Winchesters - _Dean_ \- who helped him find himself.

It wasn’t until he became fully human that he really recognized this emotion for what it truly was. Love. Pure love. Sure, Cas had been on Earth for a few years at that point, and he knew the definition of the idea of love (and had observed various occurrences of it). Only, he never realized how much love _hurt_.

At the same time that Castiel understood the extent of his feelings for Dean, it hit him like a rocket that the hunter did not, and never would, love him back. Dean was a fully heterosexual womanizer, and Cas was in a male vessel. Plus, he had screwed up so much - not the least of which was ejecting his siblings from Heaven - that there was no way that anyone at all could possible care for him romantically.

This knowledge was cemented when Dean asked him to leave the bunker. This was when Cas resolved to never speak of his newfound feelings. Although, he was not ashamed of them. This love may have been unrequited, but that did not mean that this one side was not profound, because it was - the two still shared their profound bond.

Then Cas regained his grace, and Metatron downloaded hundreds of years of pop culture (complete with terrible romances) into his brain. He half wished that had been done years ago; maybe he could’ve armed himself against the hurt of love.

Then there was the Mark, the Darkness, Lucifer, Mary Winchester’s return, the British Men of Letters, Kelly Kline…Everything had quite honestly been a complete wreck (though what else was new?), and Cas himself had made so many more mistakes. He almost felt completely numb, incapable of feeling anything that wasn’t love or pain.

Ramiel’s barn…

 _Can we skip past near-death clichés_  
_Where my heart restarts, as my life replays?_  
 _All I want is to flip the switch_  
 _Before something breaks that cannot be fixed._

Castiel was fully aware that, when he died next, it will be the final time. It was truly shocking that he had been recreated so many times already; surely it would not happen again, especially with Chuck gone. Additionally, no angel or demon had ever been impaled with Michael’s lance and survived.

He had never felt such physical pain as when the power of the lance slowly ate away his insides. He knew that would be it, that he only had a finite amount of words left. With Sam, Dean, and Mary staring at him with _that look_ , sorrow and agony alike, he couldn’t help but remember everything that had happened to him since meeting the brothers. They were truly more familial than his angelic kin, and he did love them, albeit differently. He couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out as they did. _I love you_. Of course that went to Dean, who (of course) wouldn’t look the angel in the eye. Then, because it was no less the truth, he added, _I love you all_. Sam was his brother, no doubt. And Mary, well, she was their mother, which means she was his family too.

He felt his life force ebbing away, the world becoming tinted with a blackened hue, and he embraced death after making his declaration.

And then, wonder of wonders, Crowley broke the lance and saved his life.

Leaving Castiel to wonder if he had made a mistake, and broken a relationship between himself and Dean that could not be repaired after his statement.

He allowed himself a glimmer of hope when Sam and Dean proffered their hands to him to assist him in standing. Perhaps Dean reciprocates the sentiment? The older brother even told him that they were going _home_. Could it be…?

A week passed. Mary left to go hunt. Dean never said a word about Cas’ near-death experience, or the resulting statement.

The glimmer of hope flickered out as quickly as it had come. Dean didn’t love him.

Dean got cursed by that witch. Cas discovered that he had sex with a waitress.

The hurt returned, magnified.

 _Rain or shine, I don’t feel a thing,_  
_Just some information upon my skin._  
 _I miss the subtle aches when the weather changed,_  
 _The barometric pressure we always blamed._

He tried to numb himself again, merely going through the motions.

Sam and Dean took on more hunts. Clearly they didn’t need him.

When he was approached by the angel Kelvin, of course he knew that dealing with Heaven again was dangerous - after all, only terrible things seemed to happen every time. But then he listened to Kelvin’s pitch. Cas didn’t care about returning to Heaven, particularly. He told himself that this was more about leaving the brothers without his presence, but honestly he just needed some time away from Dean. He couldn’t bear the reaffirmation that his hunter did not love him, was not _in love_ with him. Cas missed the days before the Fall when he had never fully understood human emotions. Though he would not give his love away for anything in the world, he would trade the pain in a heartbeat. 

_Invisible machinery,_  
_These moving parts inside of me_  
 _Well, they’ve been shutting down for quite some time,_  
 _Leaving only rust behind._

Castiel was just so tired all the time now. Hurting was wearisome, but maintaining a carefully numbed interior was even more tiring. He felt like a shell of his former self, both literally and metaphorically. Heaven was not assisting in the least bit: in fact, he simply missed Sam and Dean more.

He knew that they would probably not forgive him for returning upstairs.

He also doubted that they particularly noticed his absence, since he was not very helpful in finding Kelly Kline and Dagon. But the angels weren’t helping much in that department, either.

The angel made a decision: he was going to leave his siblings and return to the brothers.

Shocker of all shockers, the angels did not approve. They turned against him, waging a bloody battle against the solitary seraph. Cas quickly realized that they never meant for him to leave. Regardless, he fought for his right - his _free will_ \- to return to Earth.

Despite the fact that Castiel was an impressive fighter, he could do nothing about being outnumbered.

The fight was over quickly: the angels removed his Grace with a final painful slice to his throat. In the blink of an eye, the dozen angels forced Cas through the portal, and onto the playground once again. He was feeling the very human emotion of shock; all he knew to do was hop in his truck and drive. And when exhaustion overcame him, he simply pulled over and slept.

 _I know, I know - the sirens sound_  
_Just before the walls come down._  
 _Pain’s a well-intentioned weatherman_  
 _Predicting God as best he can,_  
 _But God I want to feel again._

Now that he had human needs, it took a bit longer than usual to reach the bunker. He spent the time preparing to share this news with Sam and Dean, then leaving; after all, he was sure that Dean would ask him to do so anyway, and he could not stand to hear the words again. So he would not give Dean the chance.

Unsurprisingly, he was greeted with Dean’s scowling face and Sam’s placating posture.

“Where the hell have you been, Cas?” Dean asked angrily. “I have called you at least a hundred times.”

Cas set his shoulders. “I’ve been in Heaven.” He stared Dean square in the face.

Dean stared right back, face slightly slack with surprise. “Tell me you did not just say what I think I heard.”

“An angel offered assistance with finding Kelly Kline, and I accepted.”

“So now somebody asks and - _poof_ \- you’re a member of the God Squad again? Just that easy? What about all the times they’ve screwed you over?”

“I clearly wasn’t gaining much ground by myself.” Cas noticed Sam gazing back and forth between the two like he was watching a tennis match.

“So I guess you’re here to say you’ve been reinstated upstairs? That right?”

“No. I’m human.”

Both brothers gaped. Dean seemed not to have a response to that, so Sam intervened. “What happened, Cas?”

“They were not making much more progress that I was alone. I told them I was leaving, but that was not apparently an option. They attacked me. I was outnumbered, and my Grace was stolen.”

“You’re human?” Dean repeated. There was something that Cas could not discern hidden within his forest eyes.

“Yes. Probably permanently.” As he looked between Sam and Dean, it suddenly his Cas how much he wanted to stay. He still loved them both, and he wanted to be with them. But he understood that that was selfish, and it was best to stay away. He could not maintain either of their gazes as he said, “If you’ll excuse me, I shall be leaving now.”

He took a step forward, and Dean placed a hand on his forearm, halting his progress. “Why, Cas? Why are you leaving?”

There was hurt in his expression, too. Castiel felt his walls crumbling. “I supposed that you would ask me to, since I am no longer an angel.”

“Cas, there are two things I know for certain,” Dean said, gripping his forearm tightly. Castiel’s human skin felt the warmth and the grounding from the touch. “One, if this about last time, when I kicked you out when you needed us the most, that _will not_ happen again. Ever. And B, I think it’s ridiculous that you went back to Heaven, after all that they’ve done, but truthfully, I can’t say too much about that.” He paused, and Castiel tilted his head in confusion.

Sam finished Dean’s statement. “We’ve been helping the British Men of Letters, taking the cases they give us. And we’ve actually done a lot of good.”

Cas glanced down again at the warm hand still resting on him. Dean, as if realizing for the first time that it was still there, removed it, and the ex-angel immediately felt the coolness. “So you really don’t need me anymore.”

Sam and Dean both shook their heads. “This ain’t about needing you. Yes, we need you. But we also want you here.” Dean’s eyes flicked to Sam for a half second before settling on Cas’ face again. “ _I_ want you here. Halo or not.”

There was something so sincere in Dean’s face and body language that made Castiel believe him, and he felt himself leaning forward and wrapping his arms around the hunter’s neck. Strong arms encircled his waist. He heard Sam say, “I’m, uh, gonna go make some food or do…anything that isn’t in this room.” Then footsteps signaled his absence.

After a moment of simply basking in each other’s embrace, Dean broke the silence. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

“What for?”

“For all the crap you’ve been through.” Then he discerned a feather-light kiss being placed on his cheek. The two pulled back ever so slightly. Dean’s face was so beautiful up close - his deceptively green eyes, filled with flecks of gold; his freckles; his stubble. _His lips_ , curved in the shape of a smile _._ There was something so soft and earnest within his gaze that made Castiel decide to take a chance.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Cas.” Then they were trading sweet kisses, mouths moving perfectly in tandem, and Castiel determined that maybe feelings weren’t so bad after all.

After a few moments of kissing, they broke apart, complete with slightly swollen smiles. Cas noticed Sam, who appeared suddenly. “I’m happy for you guys,” he said. Dean blushed, which highlighted his freckles. “Seriously. It’s about time. But I have an idea.”

That was when the carved table was brought to his attention, and he understood what he was to do. Grabbing his angel blade, Cas carved a careful _C_ into the wooden furniture, right between _DW_ and _SW_. Both brothers seemed deeply satisfied with this new arrangement, as was Castiel; only, he wasn’t done yet. He added an equally meticulous _W_ beside his initial. This earned him a bear hug from a moose, and a loving kiss from his hunter.

Being human again wasn’t the end of things; no, it was only the beginning.

 

_Down my arms, a thousand satellites  
Suddenly discover signs of life._

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks guys


End file.
